here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one