if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
CRYING
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Steam Forums
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.