Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet