*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
You Might Also Like
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I know
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat