Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You Might Also Like
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…