You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.