At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.