Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.