Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You Might Also Like
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower