Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
rise and shine we got egg
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
m’lady
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me