My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own