A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
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Florida man
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.