Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.