Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
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ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful