I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding