Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”