Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!