if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
You Might Also Like
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.