Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”