Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.