*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Finally, an explanation.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?