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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.