A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.