(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
We’ve all been there…
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.