Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I am HOWLING at this
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.