No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol