If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
going to the ER y’all need anything
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.