4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I see your IQ test came back negative
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
bought wrong eggs
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The glory of fall.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.