When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
You Might Also Like
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I put the h in mysterious.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
This is hilarious….
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.