I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Jogging
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
From Facebook just now…
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it