Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.