How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Finally, an explanation.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat