If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others