No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.