“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Strangers have the best candy.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
This a good idea
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!