If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.