*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.