Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.