Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
it’s finally my moment to shine
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners