T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
my professor scared me for a second
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.