Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.