Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
A friend helps you before you need it
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor