COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
nyc:
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
A leaf blower, but for people.