[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
when you are just born a rebel
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool