One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I am yelling
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”