a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Admin smashed it 😂
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”