It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.