sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Brb my Sims are getting married
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.