I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers