Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: